Monday, November 3, 2014

13 Life Lessons From Larry David




1.) Confidence is the key to literally anything, but especially women. “Women love a self-confident bald man.”

2.) Only wear sunglasses outside. “You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and a**holes.”

3.) Everybody wants what they can’t have. Use it to your advantage. “You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you…doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.”

4.) Don’t overdue the apologies. “Two years, you’re still getting sorries? I don’t think so, that’s a long time for sorries. That’s like saying Happy New Year in October.”

5.) Be nice to costumer service people, it’s (most of the time) not their fault. “An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole.”

6.) Bad choices make for great stories. “It’s always good to take something that’s happened in your life and make something of it comedically.”

7.) Wear glasses. They really do make you seem smarter. “That’s a remarkably idiotic thing that you just said, but you know, the fact that you’re wearing glasses, I perceive it as a little less idiotic than I normally would.”

8.) She’ll never get it. “I’m available for sex all the time, basically, so anytime you want to have it, you can have it. But anytime I want to have it, I can’t. Just assume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder.”

9.) Play the cards you’re dealt. “I’d like to tell my wife I look like Brad Pitt, but unfortunately, she can see.”

10.) The less you talk about yourself, the better. “I don’t think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It’s not even interesting to me.”

11.) Dress nice when you fly. Coach isn’t your living room. “I’m comfortable in pajamas, but I don’t wear pajamas on a plane!”

12.) Be careful with your invites. People are fragile. “Because if we go over to his house for dinner, then we’re gonna have to invite him someplace and if we don’t invite him then he’s gonna be offended. Then the next time I go there there’s gonna be tension, ‘I invited you, why didn’t you invite me?’ You know what I mean? We don’t wanna get into that game. I’ll need a new dentist soon, there’s no question about it. That’s the end of this dentist for all intents and purposes, I’m tellin’ ya, it’s already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody’s gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world’s gotta get together.”

13.) Without comment. “I’ve never had an orgasm I didn’t regret.”


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